Thanksgiving Eve Thoughts
This week has been an emotional roller coaster with the ride coming to an end tonight. I have been slacking on my blogs and really don't have an excuse. Day after day, my "tasks" list reminds me to write an update blog about my Mom's fight against lung cancer but I never seem to check that off my list...and it won't happen tonight.
Instead, I woke up from passing out putting Maddox to sleep in the king size bed that is next to my Mom in her hospital bed. As I washed the smeared make-up off and brushed my teeth my Mom had gotten up to go to the bathroom. As I got into the bed next to her, she begins to tell me this...
"Shelly - I don't think I am going to make it until Christmas. Something has changed inside my body. I am not hungry anymore, food tastes different, and when I eat, I get heartburn and my food won't digest - a sign that my body is giving up. I wanted to hang on until Jenni has the baby, but I don't think I will last another month. This will be my last Thanksgiving."
I sat there on the bed speechless as I stared at my Mom laying there in pain. "I've been taking more morphine for the pain." Again, I just sat there. WTF? You're just giving up??? This is some shitty attitude to have! (No, I did NOT say those questions outloud!) Instead, I replied with, "Mom, you should think positively! Attitude makes the world of difference in your survivial time." No response. I walked over to her bed, kissed her cheek, turned off the light, and laid back down next to Maddox.
I laid there playing with the ends of my hair...mind wandering, staring into the darkness...couldn't sleep and here I am...blogging. So how did this week's roller coaster come to an end tonight? Well, let me take you back.
Now this is going to be TMI - but I've been pretty open about stuff that goes on in my life. I had my monthly visitor and two weeks later had it again! UGH! I was concerned because it had not stopped - still hasn't - going on day 11! On Monday, I got a last minute appointment where they biopsied my cervix followed by an ultra sound today. Because of my breast cancer history, I am at risk for ovarian cancer and early menopause. F'n great, right? Of course as I'm waiting for the damn test results a number of things race through mind...
The unexpected monthly annoying visitor could have been caused by my training and dieting - or the fact that the last two weeks I've been eating normally. The thought of early menopause got me thinking that if I want to have more kids, I better get on it! And if the tests came back that I had ovarian cancer - well then shit. It's funny how as a woman you take for granted the fact that we have the choice to reproduce. It's not until you are faced with the fact that you might not be able to makes you realize how sacred that particular act really is.
I got a call around 5:30pm from the nurse with my results: no cancer, lining is thin so not sure why I'm bleeding (sorry, TMI), no fibroids (google it), but found a small cyst of 1.9cm. I have to go back in 6 weeks for another ultra sound. If that little f*cker is still there, then I will have to get it biopsied. I asked if I could be menopausal and the answer was: could be with my history but not sure. Great. If I am, I have roughly 3 years left to have another child.
On my way home from the hospital visit, I stopped to meet up with my "crew" to eat. Both couples are married, each having one child under 3, and both trying for their second. As soon as I walk in, Iza comes running up to me almost knocking me over with the biggest hug. We walk over to the group and the first thing out of my mouth was, "If you guys are going to have more babies, you better get on it! Don't put it off - we are not young bucks anymore - don't wait for something like what I'm going through light a fire up your asses!" As we sat together, we reminised about how we use to see each other almost weekly. Now, we seem to all be busy with our own lives and rarely get together because our schedules are off. NOT OK! Shit, Iza and Adam moved back to San Diego from Florida to be closer to us! Although we live in the same damn town, we hardly get together. It was decided that once a month - kids or not - the "crew" is going to get together and I volunteered to make it happen.
I'm sharing these stories with you because there's a point! LIFE IS SHORT! At any moment, "life" can occur. With "life" there is awesomeness such as getting your dream job, getting married, having kids. But with the awesomeness of life also come adversity such as illness, misfortune, and death.
This Thanksgiving, I want each of you to really think about what you are thankful for...AND what one or two things you are going to start doing to enrich your lives. Will you make an effort to be more healthy? Will you call or visit your family a few more times a month than you already do (or don't)? Will you spend more quality time with your friends that you call "close"?
Be thankful that you still have the ability to "do" and don't wait for "life" to happen - make it happen now!
So, I'm getting off this roller coaster ride tonight...ride has ended. Ah, but don't get it twisted. Life is full of roller coaster rides but after this week, I'm thinking the next one will be the little dipper. ;)
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